When Sex Isn’t Working: How to Express It?

Communication is essential for a fulfilling sexual relationship. However, when things aren’t going well in the bedroom, it can be challenging to express your desires and feelings without hurting your partner.

Whether it’s a pace that feels too slow or too rough, an overemphasis on penetration, or simply not feeling like having sex at all, sometimes sexual compatibility can be off. Effective communication between partners is the key to maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.

Managing Differences in Sexual Desire

Once the initial fear of talking about sex is overcome, it’s crucial to express your personal desires or any issues that may arise. According to sexologist Laure Bouquery, most of the communication problems she encounters in consultations stem from differences in sexual desire between partners. “The partner with less desire often struggles to say no, fearing it will be seen as rejection. Conversely, the one being refused feels rejected. Yet, in everyday situations, saying ‘no’ is usually not a big deal. For instance, if you’re not hungry, you politely decline food, and no one takes offense,” she explains.

In the context of sexuality, however, it seems particularly difficult to express a lack of desire. Cultural, societal, and personal fears of hurting the other person often create an unspoken pressure to engage in frequent sexual activity. But, as Bouquery emphasizes, a sexual encounter should always begin with mutual desire, free from any coercion, fear, or obligation. The goal is to communicate clearly without feeling pressured, as mutual consent is essential in any sexual relationship. A 2024 survey by Ifop revealed that 52% of women reported having sex sometimes without wanting to, compared to 46% of men.